A Simple Model of Life

  I'm not a religious guy.  The fire and brimstone stuff is kind of a turnoff, I enjoy sleeping in on Sundays, and the idea of God as some old man in the sky doesn't really sit well with me.  I also find it very difficult to believe the almighty creator of the universe decided on a whim to come to a microscopic speck of dust such as Earth and walk among us in human form 2,000 years ago.  It doesn't jibe.
  But going back to that microscopic speck of dust thing, it does occur to me that we are tiny little insignificant things floating about in a massive fantastically large, for all intents and purposes infinitely gigantic universe of which we effectively know next to nothing about.  I think it's pretty safe to say that there's something out there greater than ourselves.
  Throughout history humans have liked to walk around thinking we're a pretty big deal.  I think the really miraculous thing about life though isn't the existence of humans, per se.  It's the fact that anything exists at all and that we're able to perceive it.  I've come to think of humans as little radio receivers whose brains are tuned in to the true essential reality and this is what we have come to know as consciousness.
  So I've come up with this little model of life.  It's a gross oversimplification of some pretty complex stuff, but here it is.  There is a great and vast ocean.  This ocean is filled with an infinite number of droplets of water and these water droplets represent everything that is, everything that ever was, everything that ever will be, and everything that ever could be.  Now humans are tiny little vessels not unlike water balloons.  We are suspended upside down from a platform over this great vast ocean, only we are used to being suspended upside down so we perceive ourselves as being upright.  We possess sensory organs such as sight, hearing, smell, etc.  Although maybe not consciously aware of it, we all also have a connection not unlike a hose that feeds directly into the ocean.  We can't detect the connection with our other senses, but it could perhaps be described as our sense of consciousness.  This isn't really so strange because if you think about it you can't detect hearing with your eyes or seeing with your ears.
  So anyway this hose allows us access to droplets of water from the ocean.  Our perception of time is really our perception of being filled with more and more of these droplets.  Each of us gets our own droplets which contain different aspects of the fundamental reality.  Nobody has the same combination of droplets and that's what makes us unique.  Moreover some of us get droplets that make us sensitive to music or sports or physics or math or whatever.  It's what makes us good at things.  As you move through life you get filled up with more and more of these droplets of water and like a water balloon you begin to fill up and grow.  Also like a water balloon you eventually pop.  Since we're suspended upside down over the ocean all of the water droplets that were collected inside of you fall back into it.  They don't go away they just re-join the vast ocean.  Part of what was inside you may eventually end up inside someone else, but the exact combination of droplets that made you YOU will never again be collected in precisely the same way in a single vessel.
  Imagine if you were in a raft in the middle of the Pacific Ocean and you dipped a glass over the side and filled it with water.  Then you dumped the glass back into the ocean and dipped it in again and refilled it.  What are the odds you would have the exact same drops of water in the glass you had the first time?  Astronomically small, I would suppose.  And the great cosmic ocean from which we draw the essence of ourselves is infinitely larger than the Pacific Ocean.
  So death is really the end of the vessel, but not the end of what was inside it.  That is the fundamental stuff of existence.  It never dies, it just recombines in different ways.  So you can think of the ocean as God, if you want.  I'm willing to buy that.  Maybe it's what the universe itself is.  I don't know.  But if the ocean is God and we are all made of the ocean, then we are all God.  Cool, huh?

  Hey what was in that brownie I just ate anyway?  Just kidding.  I've just been thinking about this sort of stuff, like, for reals.
 

Another Year Down the Tubes

Jeez, is it just me or do these years keep going by faster and faster?  It's kind of not cool.  2013 was all right, but saw it's share of disappointments, irritations, and frustrations.  But it had its ups, too.  Same as pretty much any other year I suppose.  I had a pretty good run at updating this here blog regularly, but then I got kind of bad about it.  Oh well.  It's not as if anybody reads this anyway.  I could say some pretty outrageous things like M.C. Hammer is a pink rooster-wolf and nobody would be the wiser.  Hope 2014 kicks some ass for a change.  

Impressive Homeless People

I just saw a one handed guy on a street corner juggling and it was pretty impressive.  Now mind you I don't mean the guy was juggling one handed.  He only had one hand and yet he was juggling.  He did do some one handed juggling, but even more impressively and freakishly fascinating he sometimes used his handless stump. I have to say bravo to that.  This guy can do things with one hand that I'm not very good at with two.  Now that's the kind of homeless guy that deserves a little of your spare change.  He earned that money, damn it.

Wealthy Lunatics

It's not too much of a stretch to think that most people would like to be richer than they are, if not downright super duper rich.  I certainly used to dream of having billions of dollars and whatnot.  But as I've gotten older I've come to realize that there's only a finite amount of money and resources out there and that people who horde excessive amounts of money are kind of being dicks.

If someone were to hand me say... ten million dollars, I could probably make that last me for the rest of my life and be living pretty well the whole time.  And that's relatively small potatoes compared to what some of these rich freaks have.  At some point you just don't really NEED any more money.

That said, if people are going to have mass amounts of money, I kind of like it when they're a little bit crazy and do cool, weird stuff with their cash.  A perfect example of this is Sarah Winchester who built the Winchester mystery house.  Apparently she was under the impression that ghosts were going to kill her if construction ever stopped on this house so she kept building more and more for like 36 years.  It got to the point that servants needed a map to navigate the house and there are stairs that lead nowhere and doors that open up on walls and crazy stuff like that.  Now is this a better usage of money than feeding hungry children?  No, but it's better than just keeping the money in your bank account and doing nothing with it.  So if you're going to be filthy rich, please have the decency to be a little nuts as well.

Santa: Total Badass?

I, like many other people, saw the Lord of the Rings movies.  In them we learn that elves are noble ethereal creatures with incredible powers.  They are also fierce warriors with total mastery of weapons such as bows and arrows.

And yet Santa Claus was able to not just conquer them but enslave them.  He forces them to make toys at the North Pole, which I'm pretty sure is not the elves' natural habitat.  It's a far cry from Rivendell, that's for sure.  From what I hear kids in Chinese sweat shops make better wages and have better working conditions.  How did this happen?

There's only one solution I see.  Santa Claus is a total badass who singlehandedly whupped the entire Elvish army.  Don't piss him off, man, or you might have more to worry about than coal in your stocking.

Positive Attitudes

They say you should approach life with a positive attitude and that positive thinking causes good things to happen.  That may be true, but doesn't it then stand to reason that if you're going to have a negative attitude you should just be doubly negative?  After all two negatives make a positive.  Don't just be negative.  Be negative twice over!  Life will reward you.

Mirror Images

I'm so used to seeing myself in the mirror that my mental image of myself is actually my mirror image.  Thus, whenever I see a photograph of myself and the image is flipped the "correct" way it looks weird to me.  And yet that's actually how everyone else sees me all the time.  In effect I have a backwards idea of myself.  It's kind of strange to think about.

Upside Down World

When I was a kid I used to like to stand on my head and pretend the floor was the ceiling and the ceiling was the floor.  This created a whole new world to inhabit.  Actually, who am I kidding?  I still like to do this.  I suppose there's some lesson here about how a simple shift in perspective can completely change your outlook on things, but honestly I just think it's cool.

Poor Choices in Godparenting

When it comes to selecting a godmother for your child, should you really choose a fairy?  I mean it's great in stories and all, but when the going gets tough and you need some good godmothering you're going to look silly standing there waiting for a fairy to show up.  Even if they existed, they're kind of flighty.  Maybe you should trust in someone a little more reliable.

On a similar note choosing a mobster to be your godfather is also probably not the greatest of ideas.

Robot Aliens

Robots are awesome, as are aliens.  It occurs to me that given the vast distances of space, might it be possible that aliens would send robots out to explore?  So that the first aliens we encounter might, in fact, also be robots?  The sheer awesomeness of this boggles the mind.

Dog Baseball

It's October, which means crisp fall days, pumpkin beer, Halloween, and baseball playoffs.  I'm not the world's hugest fan, but I enjoy a little bit of baseball especially when it comes to the playoffs.  I was watching a couple innings the other day and it occurred to me how much more entertaining this would be if we could teach dogs to play baseball.  They're already a good part of the way there.  They like to chase after balls and carry sticks around.  They also like to chew on stuff so they seem like they'd be naturals for chewing tobacco.  Honestly just the idea of dogs in baseball uniforms cracks me up.  Let's make it happen.

Popular Music Sucks

 I know music taste is subjective and whatnot, but let's be honest here.  Today's popular music is horrendous.  I realize I'm old and crotchety and it's aimed at kids, but these kids are developing super crappy taste in music because they're being force fed crap.  Not only is it played on the radio and featured on tv, but it's reinforced by getting good reviews in major media outlets.  I was reading Entertainment Weekly recently and they gave a Miley Cyrus album an A rating.  This is following a long line of positive reviews to the likes of Justin Bieber, Lady Gaga and all that nonsense.  Really Entertainment Weekly?  This is what you're trying to pass off as quality music?  As high art?  You're saying these "artists" are carrying on the legacy of the Beatles, Bob Dylan, Pink Floyd, Led Zeppelin among others?  I understand this crap is popular and people want to read about it, but a major part of the reason it's popular is because media outlets keep spotlighting it and giving it a pass.  And thus more people get inspired to make the same sort of vacuous garbage.  Anyone actually trying to do anything worthwhile is basically doomed to complete obscurity.

I refuse to buy into this narrative that this stuff actually has any artistic merit.  Let's call it what it actually is: bullshit for twelve year old girls and let's shine a spotlight on actual quality music for adventurous adult listeners.  All right?

Resolving Our Differences Through Dance

So there's a government shutdown going on.  It's the usual garbage.  Republicans and Democrats hate each other and refuse to actually do their jobs and work on behalf of the American people because they'd rather be stubborn just to spite each other.  So my new idea is to resolve all political logjams through dance-offs.  I think all of the Republican congressmen should have to line up on one side and all the Democrats on the other and then one by one they go in the middle and face off in a dance competition.  They have to be in their suits they wear to congress as they dance.

I'm all in favor of this to resolve international disputes as well, by the way.

Wizard Fashions

It's too bad the whole pointy hat, long flowing beards, and robes with moon and star patterns look is so closely associated with wizards.  I'd love to see other occupations adopt this look.  Say like bankers, fire fighters, basketball players... hell even fashion models.  Come on fashion designers!  Grow a pair and make some wizard chic outfits!  You know you want to.

Government Shutdowns Throughout History

Government shutdowns happen, man.  I'm sure once in awhile back in Roman times Augustus Caesar was hungover and was like "Fuck it.  Government's closed today."  From what I understand the Greeks shut down everything any time there was a chance to have an Olympics.  Hell, King Henry VIII probably beheaded a couple wives due to indigestion.  Do you think he was "governing" while he had explosive diarrhea?  Hell no!

Trading Places

I wish we could take noted geniuses of the past and transport them to modern times.  What would Mozart or Bach do with electronic instruments and studio trickery?  Would Will Shakespeare be the awesomest rapper ever?  How about if we could put Isaac Newton to work on modern day science problems?

In exchange I would happily send back in time such "top" artists of today as Lady Gaga, Miley Cyrus, Justin Bieber, or whoever else inhabits the top 40 charts these days.  The past is welcome to them.  Really.

Alien Music

So assuming aliens possess a sense of hearing and they find certain sounds pleasurable, what kind of music would they make and enjoy listening to?  Would it be shrill noise?  Would it be odd but strangely melodic? Would it exist in frequencies we can't hear?  Would aliens find the Beatles pleasant to listen to?

If they did like music similar to ours would they have stumbled upon the same musical instruments? Somewhere out there is there an alien Jimi Hendrix rocking out on electric guitar?  Was Jimi Hendrix, in fact, an alien?

Sock Land

I'd like to know if there's a secret portal in every washer and dryer that leads to Sock Land, a magical realm where socks go to drink and hang out and do whatever kinds of stuff socks find fun. In every laundry cycle one lucky sock is chosen to make the journey to Sock Land.

And then every now and then socks must get kicked out of Sock Land for bad behavior. Because once in a while I'll find a lone sock with some strange pattern on it I don't ever remember owning.

A True Dilemma

Some friends of mine told me they had an old trash can that was all gross and the handle had broken off so they wanted to get rid of it.  This then raised the great philosophical question of our day.  How, exactly, do you go about throwing away a trash can?  Because garbagemen are used to emptying out the can and leaving it behind.  They aren't in the habit of taking trash cans with them.  So do you leave a note on the can saying "I am trash.  Take me."?  Or do you try to fit the trash can into a bigger trash can?  Inquiring minds want to know.  

Overcoming Disabilities in a Positive Way

I hear that Michael J. Fox has a new show, which I think is great because hey, it's Micheal J. Fox.  But I guess his Parkinson's disease is pretty far advanced and there's just no way to hide it so his character on the show also has Parkinson's disease.  Which unfortunately, from what I hear, makes for a bit of a bummer. I've never actually watched the show so I don't know, but it makes sense.  It's kind of hard to laugh at a disease. It's like "let's trot out some cancer patients and create a real laugh riot out of it."  I'm just not quite seeing it.

Which leads me to my new idea.  Let's use advanced computer technology to move the camera around in precisely the right motion to disguise the shakes.  I think it could be done.

Is this wrong?  Am I going to hell for having this idea?  I'm just trying to throw out ideas to keep a sick actor working and not be confined to roles of people who have the exact same illness he does.  Work with me here people.  

Messing Around With History

I wish we could pit all of the great conquerors of history against each other in one televised pay per view battle royale.  I want Alexander the Great to match wits with Genghis Khan and Napoleon Bonaparte to face off against Adolph Hitler.  I want the British Empire to do battle against the Holy Roman Empire.  I even want to see the common soldiers of different eras battle.  Hell, I want to see cavemen engage in combat with samurai warlords.

But most of all I want to travel back in time with a few pieces of modern weaponry and kick some major ass.  I want to mow down whole armies of swordsmen with a machine gun.  I want to run tanks over spearmen.  I want to drop missiles from aircraft on a militia of musketmen.  I want to take a bazooka into a gladiator battle and blow off my opponent's head.

Just because it would be fun as hell.

Liquid In Liquid Out

Just to keep this place highbrow I'd like to take a moment to discuss urination.  It's sort of an odd thing if you think about it.  Our bodies are constantly craving moisture yet we're constantly leaking it out.  I realize we're removing waste products in the process, but this seems terribly inefficient because pee is mostly comprised of precious, precious water.  Which we have to take in less often than oxygen but more often than food.

Another funny thing about urine is it smells weird after you eat asparagus.  What in the hell is up with that? Our bodies do amazing things like allow us to move around and pick up objects and they perform complex chemical reactions without us having to think about it.  And they convert a vegetable into a weird smell.  In your pee.  Yes, evolution clearly has a purpose.

When I was a little kid I was greatly amused by drinking a glass of water at the same time that I peed.  That's still kind of amusing actually.

I urinated in really cold weather a few times and it steamed.  I also peed off a third story balcony and that was fun, too.  Peeing from heights.  I recommend it.  I have yet to pee from a fast moving vehicle.  Note to self:  add peeing from a fast moving vehicle to to-do list.

Lame Superpowers

If super powers were real not everyone would get cool ones, right?  What if you got something lame like the ability to bake a really good loaf of bread?  At least you could start a bakery with that.  You could get stuck with something useless like the ability to grow rollerskates out of your elbows.  Or worse, your mouth creates a super amount of saliva so you're constantly drooling.  You could be Super Drool Man.  Maybe you're power would be the ability to do crossword puzzles really fast.  Super Crossword Man!  Oh yeah!

Furry Jerks Part 2

It's fortunate that animals can't talk because if they could inevitably one of your pets would break up with you.  "I'm sorry this just isn't working out.  I can't be your dog anymore.  It's not you, it's me.  Besides, they serve better food down at the Millers house.  They have a nicer car, too.  I like to ride in style.  I'll be seeing you around the neighborhood though, okay?"

The Best Possible Use of a Lawyer

I have a vague notion for a reality show where you get a bunch of lawyers and have them compete in grueling physical challenges, preferably ones involving great risk of injury and death.  The last one standing wins the right to represent the others in their personal injury cases.  Backstabbing and shady behavior is highly encouraged, and a given since they're lawyers.  And the final twist is the winner has to argue his case from a tank full of vicious flesh eating piranha.  Now that's entertainment.

Prehistoric Problems

I think one of the hardest parts about being a caveman would be finding a nice empty cave to live in.  There were big scary monsters back then like gigantic bears and saber-tooth tigers and whatnot and they liked to live in caves, too.  So every time you were checking out a potential piece of real estate there was a very real chance it was occupied by some horrifying beast that would like nothing more than to tear you to shreds and eat you.  Could you imagine if that was still the case when you were looking for houses?  "The real estate agent says this is a great place to raise a family.  4 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms, 2 car garage, big back yard with a swimming pool.  But, uh, tread carefully when you check it out.  There might be a ten foot tall wolf living in there already."

Inappropriately Switching Band Members

I think it would be funny if you could take two completely different bands and switch one of the key members in them.  They don't have to be from the same time period or anything. For instance if you switched Robin Gibb from the Bee Gees with Zack De La Rocha from Rage against the Machine.  Now picture both new bands.  Hilarity ensues, right?  Other good ones off the top of my head: Carl Wilson from the Beach Boys with Fred Durst from Limp Bizkit, Roger Waters from Pink Floyd with any member of One Direction, Axl Rose from Guns and Roses with Art Garfunkel from Simon and Garfunkel.

The possibilities are endless.

Some Things Work Better in Reverse

Instead of a war against drugs it's too bad they can't spend all that money on a drug against wars.  You know, a pill everyone could take and never want to make war again.

Thin Lines

I always find it interesting when there's a thin line separating two different qualities.  Perfect Example: Genius vs. insanity.  I think almost all genius ideas are insane ideas until they're recognized by others as having value.  You could have the most ingenious idea of all time, but if you're unable to make anybody else understand it then you're probably going to be written off as insane.  In other words geniuses are insane people who are able to make their insane ideas understood.

Another one is confidence vs. arrogance.  They're kind of similar qualities but arrogance is kind of the twisted evil sibling of confidence.  I think confidence is generally a good quality.  It's good to be confident in yourself and in the abilities of others.  No matter if you're going to a brain surgeon or if you want your dishwasher repaired you want the person you go to to be confident.  Arrogance, on the other hand is annoying.  I generally enjoy seeing arrogant people fail and get taken down a notch.  So what's the difference exactly?  I think confidence is quiet and selfless whereas arrogance is loud and selfish.  A confident professional makes their work the focus of attention while an arrogant professional makes themselves the focus of attention.

It's just interesting how little degrees of difference can have largely different results.  Even typos.  Are you talking about docks or dicks, because those are pretty different things.

The Meaning of Life

So I'm formulating this new theory about the purpose of life on Earth.  Now specifically I'm talking about humanity here.  I think that the Earth is some kind of cosmic experiment in which the subjects (humans) are being observed in an ongoing struggle.  The question is whether our collective intelligence can overcome our collective stupidity.  I'd say it's about a draw so far, but I fear our stupidity is going to kill us all off faster than our intelligence can save us.  We're capable of amazing feats of science and technology but then I look around and goddamn are people dumb.  And we use the amazing science and technology to poison our world and kill each other and broadcast mind-numbingly stupid messages in the form of popular culture.  While simultaneously we're curing diseases and peering further into the universe than ever before and also creating other pop culture that is some of the finest ever.  I don't know... I'd like to believe intelligence is going to win out, but the cynic in me tends to focus on the abundance of dumb shit we do.  And stupid people really do seem to breed more, although they also probably kill themselves off more frequently and at younger ages.

Jobs I Don't Get Part 2

You want to know another worthless job?  Music critics.  Absolutely worthless.  They're just some dudes with opinions.  Same as you.  Their opinions have absolutely no more validity than yours and they have no "authority."  Maybe they've listened to more music than you have, but it still doesn't change the fact that anything they say is an opinion and nothing but an opinion.  I've seen plenty of critics hate on stuff I think is awesome and love stuff that I think sucks major balls.  You might as well ask some random dude at a bar what they think of the song currently playing on the jukebox because their opinion is just as good as anybody else's.  Go get a real job, you sweaty pretentious slobs!

Evolution in other directions

They say evolution is a very gradual process, but sometimes it seems like it's got to take some pretty big leaps.  Life most likely started out in the water so coming out onto land was a pretty big deal.  If you take a fish and put it onto land it flops around for awhile and dies.  I know amphibians are like the link between land and sea dwelling creatures, but still... where did that foothold into not dying on land come from?  Let alone being fully adapted to land?  Can you imagine trying to go back into the sea?  So we'll get people who can hold their breath progressively longer and longer until suddenly we re-develop gills or something.

Then there's flight.  How did that happen?  Some land dwelling creature jumped off a cliff and didn't fall?  Evolution is some weird shit.

Inanimate Object Jerks

I think traffic lights are intelligent.  And they're jerks.  They know if you're running late for something important and make sure every single one you encounter turns red.  They also like to turn yellow at that precise moment where you either have to push the gas to the floor and still probably end up running the red light or slam on your brakes as hard as you can so you leave skid marks on the street and probably damage your tires in the process.  I also think they constantly adjust whether the left turn lane goes before or after opposing traffic going straight based on what will make you have to wait the longest.  And no matter which street on the intersection you happen to be on the red light lasts for like five minutes while your green light only lasts for about twenty seconds.  It's all intentional, damn it!

Traffic lights are assholes.

Jobs I Don't Get... An Ongoing Series

You know what I find completely worthless?  Bathroom attendants.  First of all who the hell wants to hang out in a bathroom all day?  On top of that I am perfectly capable of washing and drying my own hands without any assistance.  I don't need somebody squirting soap on my hands or handing me a towel.  Then they try to guilt you into giving them a tip.  I guess it's supposed to make places classier but I just find it annoying.  Go get a real job flipping burgers or something.

Awkward Sexual Situations With Strangers...

I was thinking it would be pretty weird if you were walking down the street minding your own business and some person you'd never met before walked up to you and without any sort of explanation laid a big, sloppy, wet french kiss on you and then just walked off.  That's be kind of gross, right?  And just strange.

I've never had that happen, but one time I was at a concert in a crowded club just trying to watch the show. This presumably drunk girl was in front of me dancing when without warning she kind of backed up into me, grabbed my hand, put it around her tummy and held it there so I was like holding her from behind.  And then she started booty grinding against me.  I'm pretty sure she never actually looked back at me throughout this entire operation.  I ended up awkwardly holding her for a few minutes until she released my hand, whereupon I let her go and just kind of resumed watching the show.

The whole thing was just weird and awkward.  She either was hitting on me in a very forward way, thought I was somebody else like her boyfriend and mistakenly grinded on me, or was perfectly cool doing that with a complete stranger.  All of which was kind of odd.  I guess if I'd been another kind of guy I would have just said "Cool!" and started grinding back, but that's not really my style and I can't say I found her particularly attractive anyway.  I guess what I'm getting at here is it's good to at least talk a little bit and have some sort of interaction before anything remotely of a sexual nature occurs.      

Would you like some change with that?

Change is inevitable.  We all know this.  Sometimes it's for the better, sometimes not so much.  I've been aware on some level that change happens at least since I was a kid and graduated from Kindergarten to first grade and got a new teacher.  One thing that's kind of weird though that I've noticed as I've gotten older is a sense of detachment from the past.

I don't know if this is just me or if it happens to everyone, but I can remember things that happened in high school or college but it's almost as if those things happened to a completely different person.  I mean, in some sense, I am a different person than that guy was, but it was still me.  When I was actually in college I'm pretty sure I felt like high school guy was still me.  But now I feel like high school guy and college guy were somebody else.  I'm not sure if I'm doing a good job of explaining this.

Basically I remember being those guys.  I know intellectually that those things happened to me.  But they don't feel like ME anymore.  It almost feels like those memories don't even belong to me, I just happen to have some random people's memories.  

So clearly this is because either aliens or the government have implanted me with false memories.  There can be no other possible explanation.  Never mind that as you get older your circumstances and priorities change to such an extent that maybe it's normal to not feel like the same person you used to be.  No, there's definitely some sort of conspiracy at work here.

Furry Jerks

I love animals.  I'll take 99% of the cats or dogs I've ever met over 99% of the people I've ever met.  I can watch movies where violence is perpetrated against people non-stop and not even blink an eye.  Even little kids.  Kill the little buggers, I don't care.  But when an animal is harmed it pisses me off.

That said, there are certain individual animals out there that are jerks.  I had a friend when I was a kid that had a cat that was the unfriendliest critter you could ever meet.  It seemed to particularly not like me for some reason.  If I came even remotely near it, it would hiss and growl at me. One time my friend's family was out of town and I was coming over to feed the cat.  As soon as I opened the door it ran up and bit my ankle hard enough to draw blood and then ran off to growl at me from a corner.  I'm sorry but that cat was just kind of a dick.

I had another friend when I was older that had a dog that wasn't so much of a jerk as he was just really, really annoying.  He was pretty big and extremely hyper and would not leave you alone when you came over.  And by that I mean he would jump all over you, constantly flail his paws in your face and try to bite you for like four hours straight.  His owner would impotently tell him "No!" or "Down!" all of which this dog completely ignored.  It was impossible to relax over there because wrestling a big hyper dog for several hours is exhausting.  It got to the point where I never wanted to go over to this friend's house because of the dog.  Yeah, I know he was young and needed training, but I just wasn't very fond of that particular dog.

What I'm getting at is, even as an animal lover, it's okay to not like an individual animal on a personal level.  Some of them are kind of assholes.  In much lower numbers than people are, for sure, but still.  

La Dee Dah Things Are Just Fine

The greatest thing about the world is how just it is on every conceivable level.  Every rich person deserves every last penny they have while poor people are poor for a goddamn reason.  Because Donald Trump is the closest thing to a saint I can think of.  And all those dudes on Wall Street?  Just some classy, classy people.  Meanwhile everyone I've ever met who's occasionally struggled to make ends meet or get all their bills paid on time are pretty much degenerates.  Lazy, too. And clearly living beyond their means because a roof over your head, clothes on your back, and food on the table are a luxury.  But the CEO of Exxon EARNED his third yacht, you goddamn slacker.  Seriously.  You just need to work harder.  

Rainbows and Unicorns!!!

This might sound a little morbid, but in all sincerity I intend it to be the opposite...

The best thing I can think of to prevent suicide is remembering fun times and keeping in mind that they could conceivably happen again.  Maybe not the same exact fun times, but other different fun times could and likely will occur.  Somewhere in the back of my mind whenever I find myself enjoying myself I think that if for some reason I had killed myself prior to this I never would have gotten to have this good time.  And that's motivation of sorts to keep on going.  Hey, whatever keeps you chugging along sometimes, right?

On a completely unrelated note sometimes enormously overweight people fall down.  I'm told this can be quite comical.

Voices From the Distant Past

I came across this old 80's hair metal record and thought to myself  "Who are these dipshits who think they're important enough to send me some sort of message from the past?"  After all recordings are exactly that. It's information crossing the vast ocean of time to impart some vital message to me in the here and now.

Apparently this particular douche nozzle wants the world to know how much hot ass he tapped back during the Reagan administration. Near as I can tell.  I didn't actually listen to it.

Don't Be a Dick When You're Jaywalking

Jaywalking is a crime.  A horrible offense against society.  I mean, goodness gracious, jaywalkers should be thrown in prison with all the murderers, rapists and other hardened criminals.

But for reals, we've all jaywalked at one time or another, right?  Sometimes you've just gotta get across the street and there are no crosswalks anywhere nearby.  So ideally you wait until there are no cars coming and you cross the road.  Sometimes it's a really busy street and there's not much chance of no cars so you have to kind of wait for a decent little break in the traffic and go for it.  Believe me, I understand. I've been there. But here's the thing.  If you should find yourself in that situation you damn well better hurry your ass across the road.

As a driver there are few things more irritating than someone taking their sweet time as they jaywalk in front of you.  If I have to slow down for someone crossing the street and they're not in a crosswalk and they don't even put on a pretense of hurrying up, well... that is some not cool jive ass turkey right there.

I also hate when you're driving and you can see them standing on the side of the road and they decide to start walking out into the street just as you're beginning to drive past them. They don't wait for you to actually pass, they just start strolling on out while you're still approaching.  You either instinctively try to swerve or slam the brakes, which could cause an accident with another vehicle, or you just keep on going and leave it up to fate whether you hit them or not.    

I mean, I'm in a fast moving two ton projectile of metal and you're, for all intents and purposes, a stationary little bag of meat and water.  Have a little respect, for crying out loud.  Or at least a sense of self-preservation.

Don't get me wrong.  I'm all in favor of removing these people from the gene pool.  But I don't really want to get their blood all over my car or have my insurance rates go up.

Just don't be a dick when you're jaywalking and everything will be cool.    

Our Seasonal Vibes are Off-kilter.

When you think of how the different seasons of the year "feel" you probably have a pretty distinct picture in your mind.  Winter is cold, right?  And summer is hot.  But in the summer you crank up the air conditioning.  You prefer the room at much lower temperature levels than at other times of the year.  Meanwhile in the winter the weather is cold outside so you feel like turning up the heat much hotter than you could ever imagine doing at other times.  Thus, in a certain sense, I associate summer with "cool" and winter with "warm and cozy."  It's, like, inverted, man.

It's Called Writing, Idiot.

So I briefly thought I had an amazing idea for an invention tonight.  I was thinking to myself  "Wouldn't it be awesome if there was some sort of magical device that recorded your thoughts and then you could return to the ones that were actually interesting?"  Then I remembered that's what writing stuff down is for.

A Brief Tribute to the Makers of Generic Products.

Have you ever seen those plain white bags at the grocery store with the big black letters that just say "Potato Chips"?  Or the plain white cans that say "Beer"?  Somebody made those.  Like actually set down on the path to become a brewer or a potato chip maker.  They put their entire effort into becoming a craftsman in the potato chip industry only to have their product dismissed as "generic".  Like nobody was even willing to put their name on it.  It's kind of sad really.  I suppose as a sign of solidarity I should change the name of this here blog to BLOG.  

Nah, I'm not going to do that.  But I had the best of intentions.

Danger? Why, that's my middle name!

They say explaining a joke makes it not funny.

And now I'm going to attempt to analyze humor.  That's a pretty broad subject, but I'm kind of interested in the limits of humor.  Should there be any?  Well, it's all subjective and different things are funny in different contexts, but overall I'd say no, there shouldn't.  There are a lot of horrible things in the world like diseases and natural disasters and domestic violence and incest and murder and rape and racism and physical and mental impairments and so on and so forth.  But somehow joking about these things robs them of their power in some small fashion.

But exercise a little bit of discretion, for crying out loud.  "Wrong" humor can be funny but don't harp on the same thing all the time.  If you're always going on about your lord and savior, people are going to think you're a Jesus freak.  If you never shut up about your political beliefs, people are going to think you're an extremist.  And if you're constantly telling racist jokes, people are going to think you're a racist.  And probably rightfully so.  Spread it out a little, man.  Oddly enough, the more different targets you offend, the more acceptable it is to be offensive.

On some level "safe" humor gets boring.  The best humor involves crossing boundaries and an element of danger.  In some cases, literally.  Hell, let's take a look at some old classics and you can see this is true.

Why did the chicken cross the road?  To get to the other side.  She's crossing a boundary, in this case the road.  There's certainly an element of danger because the chicken could be crushed by a speeding car at any moment.  Also, little known fact, the chicken was a white supremacist.

Then, of course, take a look at the old knock knock joke.  There are many varieties on this one but they all boil down to the same premise.  There is a physical boundary in the form of the door.  And there is most definitely an element of danger.  Who is this mysterious knocker?  And is he really more likely to be an interrupting cow or some maniac coming to rape and murder you?

Think about it.

Beauty: Is it really just skin deep?

I've come to wonder if physically beautiful people have better looking internal organs than the average joe.  Does Brad Pitt have an exceptionally attractive spleen?  Is Halle Berry rocking a super sexy pancreas?  Does Angelina Jolie's large intestine put yours to shame?  Why doesn't the paparazzi tell us what we really want to know?

The Corruption Runs Deep

They say absolute power corrupts absolutely.  The obvious implication here is that God, being all-powerful, is as corrupt as it gets.  This would go a long way towards explaining why the universe is so messed up.  Ever wonder why stars sometimes go supernova?  Some rival solar system is giving God a payoff to take out their enemies.

But I want to talk about another sketchy operation:  Santa Claus.  This guy's super powerful, too.  He knows when you're asleep or awake and he knows if you've been bad or good.  He also has the ability to visit every house in the world in a single night.  That takes some major power.  And also major corruption.

Look, we all know the dude's susceptible to bribery via milk and cookies.  He's also the world's major exploiter of both reindeer and elves, and not just from forcing them to work insane hours pulling sleighs on Christmas or making toys at less than poverty level wages.  Where do you think he's getting all that coal from that he's putting in the stockings of bad kids?  Santa's not mining it himself.  And have you ever wondered why he's based out of the North Pole?  Clearly for tax evasion purposes.  He's also got some weird deal going on with the shopping malls where he shows up for a few hours, lets kids sit on his lap, and then takes a cut of the profits.  If I tried to show up at the mall and have strange kids sit on my lap I'd get arrested.  Just saying.

And don't even get me started on the Tooth Fairy.  That bitch is cold.

First Impressions

You only get one chance to make a first impression... unless you're hitting on a blind girl.

Say you're at a bar trying to win the favor of the non-sighted object of your affection.  So you're dusting off the old sure-fire pickup lines, but for some weird reason they don't seem to be working.  The good news is you can walk away, come back a few minutes later, talk in a different voice, and try again.  You could raise or lower the pitch or try a different accent.  If you're really good at doing voices you might have a whole lot of chances to make the perfect first impression.

What's that?  Not so fast, you say?  Blind people are really good at "seeing" people by using their sense of touch?  She'll just feel you're face and know it's you, you big jerk.  Fortunately you can prepare for this eventuality.  Grow out a full beard before you go hit on the blind girl.  Then, after you get shot down in flames, go into the bathroom and shave it off completely.  When she feels your face the second time she'll think you're someone else!  Okay, so you got rejected again.  This is where having a good wingman comes into play.  You get a friend to stand silently behind you while you're speaking in, say, an Irish accent .  Then when the time comes for the big "let me see what you look like" moment he steps in and takes the face-feel for you.  Still no dice?  That wino outside looked like he'd let someone feel his face if you buy him a drink.  Eventually something's got to work, right?

I love how you're already planning on striking out with this hypothetical blind girl.  Maybe deaf chicks are more your speed?