Sock Land

I'd like to know if there's a secret portal in every washer and dryer that leads to Sock Land, a magical realm where socks go to drink and hang out and do whatever kinds of stuff socks find fun. In every laundry cycle one lucky sock is chosen to make the journey to Sock Land.

And then every now and then socks must get kicked out of Sock Land for bad behavior. Because once in a while I'll find a lone sock with some strange pattern on it I don't ever remember owning.

A True Dilemma

Some friends of mine told me they had an old trash can that was all gross and the handle had broken off so they wanted to get rid of it.  This then raised the great philosophical question of our day.  How, exactly, do you go about throwing away a trash can?  Because garbagemen are used to emptying out the can and leaving it behind.  They aren't in the habit of taking trash cans with them.  So do you leave a note on the can saying "I am trash.  Take me."?  Or do you try to fit the trash can into a bigger trash can?  Inquiring minds want to know.  

Overcoming Disabilities in a Positive Way

I hear that Michael J. Fox has a new show, which I think is great because hey, it's Micheal J. Fox.  But I guess his Parkinson's disease is pretty far advanced and there's just no way to hide it so his character on the show also has Parkinson's disease.  Which unfortunately, from what I hear, makes for a bit of a bummer. I've never actually watched the show so I don't know, but it makes sense.  It's kind of hard to laugh at a disease. It's like "let's trot out some cancer patients and create a real laugh riot out of it."  I'm just not quite seeing it.

Which leads me to my new idea.  Let's use advanced computer technology to move the camera around in precisely the right motion to disguise the shakes.  I think it could be done.

Is this wrong?  Am I going to hell for having this idea?  I'm just trying to throw out ideas to keep a sick actor working and not be confined to roles of people who have the exact same illness he does.  Work with me here people.  

Messing Around With History

I wish we could pit all of the great conquerors of history against each other in one televised pay per view battle royale.  I want Alexander the Great to match wits with Genghis Khan and Napoleon Bonaparte to face off against Adolph Hitler.  I want the British Empire to do battle against the Holy Roman Empire.  I even want to see the common soldiers of different eras battle.  Hell, I want to see cavemen engage in combat with samurai warlords.

But most of all I want to travel back in time with a few pieces of modern weaponry and kick some major ass.  I want to mow down whole armies of swordsmen with a machine gun.  I want to run tanks over spearmen.  I want to drop missiles from aircraft on a militia of musketmen.  I want to take a bazooka into a gladiator battle and blow off my opponent's head.

Just because it would be fun as hell.

Liquid In Liquid Out

Just to keep this place highbrow I'd like to take a moment to discuss urination.  It's sort of an odd thing if you think about it.  Our bodies are constantly craving moisture yet we're constantly leaking it out.  I realize we're removing waste products in the process, but this seems terribly inefficient because pee is mostly comprised of precious, precious water.  Which we have to take in less often than oxygen but more often than food.

Another funny thing about urine is it smells weird after you eat asparagus.  What in the hell is up with that? Our bodies do amazing things like allow us to move around and pick up objects and they perform complex chemical reactions without us having to think about it.  And they convert a vegetable into a weird smell.  In your pee.  Yes, evolution clearly has a purpose.

When I was a little kid I was greatly amused by drinking a glass of water at the same time that I peed.  That's still kind of amusing actually.

I urinated in really cold weather a few times and it steamed.  I also peed off a third story balcony and that was fun, too.  Peeing from heights.  I recommend it.  I have yet to pee from a fast moving vehicle.  Note to self:  add peeing from a fast moving vehicle to to-do list.

Lame Superpowers

If super powers were real not everyone would get cool ones, right?  What if you got something lame like the ability to bake a really good loaf of bread?  At least you could start a bakery with that.  You could get stuck with something useless like the ability to grow rollerskates out of your elbows.  Or worse, your mouth creates a super amount of saliva so you're constantly drooling.  You could be Super Drool Man.  Maybe you're power would be the ability to do crossword puzzles really fast.  Super Crossword Man!  Oh yeah!

Furry Jerks Part 2

It's fortunate that animals can't talk because if they could inevitably one of your pets would break up with you.  "I'm sorry this just isn't working out.  I can't be your dog anymore.  It's not you, it's me.  Besides, they serve better food down at the Millers house.  They have a nicer car, too.  I like to ride in style.  I'll be seeing you around the neighborhood though, okay?"

The Best Possible Use of a Lawyer

I have a vague notion for a reality show where you get a bunch of lawyers and have them compete in grueling physical challenges, preferably ones involving great risk of injury and death.  The last one standing wins the right to represent the others in their personal injury cases.  Backstabbing and shady behavior is highly encouraged, and a given since they're lawyers.  And the final twist is the winner has to argue his case from a tank full of vicious flesh eating piranha.  Now that's entertainment.

Prehistoric Problems

I think one of the hardest parts about being a caveman would be finding a nice empty cave to live in.  There were big scary monsters back then like gigantic bears and saber-tooth tigers and whatnot and they liked to live in caves, too.  So every time you were checking out a potential piece of real estate there was a very real chance it was occupied by some horrifying beast that would like nothing more than to tear you to shreds and eat you.  Could you imagine if that was still the case when you were looking for houses?  "The real estate agent says this is a great place to raise a family.  4 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms, 2 car garage, big back yard with a swimming pool.  But, uh, tread carefully when you check it out.  There might be a ten foot tall wolf living in there already."

Inappropriately Switching Band Members

I think it would be funny if you could take two completely different bands and switch one of the key members in them.  They don't have to be from the same time period or anything. For instance if you switched Robin Gibb from the Bee Gees with Zack De La Rocha from Rage against the Machine.  Now picture both new bands.  Hilarity ensues, right?  Other good ones off the top of my head: Carl Wilson from the Beach Boys with Fred Durst from Limp Bizkit, Roger Waters from Pink Floyd with any member of One Direction, Axl Rose from Guns and Roses with Art Garfunkel from Simon and Garfunkel.

The possibilities are endless.

Some Things Work Better in Reverse

Instead of a war against drugs it's too bad they can't spend all that money on a drug against wars.  You know, a pill everyone could take and never want to make war again.

Thin Lines

I always find it interesting when there's a thin line separating two different qualities.  Perfect Example: Genius vs. insanity.  I think almost all genius ideas are insane ideas until they're recognized by others as having value.  You could have the most ingenious idea of all time, but if you're unable to make anybody else understand it then you're probably going to be written off as insane.  In other words geniuses are insane people who are able to make their insane ideas understood.

Another one is confidence vs. arrogance.  They're kind of similar qualities but arrogance is kind of the twisted evil sibling of confidence.  I think confidence is generally a good quality.  It's good to be confident in yourself and in the abilities of others.  No matter if you're going to a brain surgeon or if you want your dishwasher repaired you want the person you go to to be confident.  Arrogance, on the other hand is annoying.  I generally enjoy seeing arrogant people fail and get taken down a notch.  So what's the difference exactly?  I think confidence is quiet and selfless whereas arrogance is loud and selfish.  A confident professional makes their work the focus of attention while an arrogant professional makes themselves the focus of attention.

It's just interesting how little degrees of difference can have largely different results.  Even typos.  Are you talking about docks or dicks, because those are pretty different things.

The Meaning of Life

So I'm formulating this new theory about the purpose of life on Earth.  Now specifically I'm talking about humanity here.  I think that the Earth is some kind of cosmic experiment in which the subjects (humans) are being observed in an ongoing struggle.  The question is whether our collective intelligence can overcome our collective stupidity.  I'd say it's about a draw so far, but I fear our stupidity is going to kill us all off faster than our intelligence can save us.  We're capable of amazing feats of science and technology but then I look around and goddamn are people dumb.  And we use the amazing science and technology to poison our world and kill each other and broadcast mind-numbingly stupid messages in the form of popular culture.  While simultaneously we're curing diseases and peering further into the universe than ever before and also creating other pop culture that is some of the finest ever.  I don't know... I'd like to believe intelligence is going to win out, but the cynic in me tends to focus on the abundance of dumb shit we do.  And stupid people really do seem to breed more, although they also probably kill themselves off more frequently and at younger ages.

Jobs I Don't Get Part 2

You want to know another worthless job?  Music critics.  Absolutely worthless.  They're just some dudes with opinions.  Same as you.  Their opinions have absolutely no more validity than yours and they have no "authority."  Maybe they've listened to more music than you have, but it still doesn't change the fact that anything they say is an opinion and nothing but an opinion.  I've seen plenty of critics hate on stuff I think is awesome and love stuff that I think sucks major balls.  You might as well ask some random dude at a bar what they think of the song currently playing on the jukebox because their opinion is just as good as anybody else's.  Go get a real job, you sweaty pretentious slobs!

Evolution in other directions

They say evolution is a very gradual process, but sometimes it seems like it's got to take some pretty big leaps.  Life most likely started out in the water so coming out onto land was a pretty big deal.  If you take a fish and put it onto land it flops around for awhile and dies.  I know amphibians are like the link between land and sea dwelling creatures, but still... where did that foothold into not dying on land come from?  Let alone being fully adapted to land?  Can you imagine trying to go back into the sea?  So we'll get people who can hold their breath progressively longer and longer until suddenly we re-develop gills or something.

Then there's flight.  How did that happen?  Some land dwelling creature jumped off a cliff and didn't fall?  Evolution is some weird shit.

Inanimate Object Jerks

I think traffic lights are intelligent.  And they're jerks.  They know if you're running late for something important and make sure every single one you encounter turns red.  They also like to turn yellow at that precise moment where you either have to push the gas to the floor and still probably end up running the red light or slam on your brakes as hard as you can so you leave skid marks on the street and probably damage your tires in the process.  I also think they constantly adjust whether the left turn lane goes before or after opposing traffic going straight based on what will make you have to wait the longest.  And no matter which street on the intersection you happen to be on the red light lasts for like five minutes while your green light only lasts for about twenty seconds.  It's all intentional, damn it!

Traffic lights are assholes.

Jobs I Don't Get... An Ongoing Series

You know what I find completely worthless?  Bathroom attendants.  First of all who the hell wants to hang out in a bathroom all day?  On top of that I am perfectly capable of washing and drying my own hands without any assistance.  I don't need somebody squirting soap on my hands or handing me a towel.  Then they try to guilt you into giving them a tip.  I guess it's supposed to make places classier but I just find it annoying.  Go get a real job flipping burgers or something.

Awkward Sexual Situations With Strangers...

I was thinking it would be pretty weird if you were walking down the street minding your own business and some person you'd never met before walked up to you and without any sort of explanation laid a big, sloppy, wet french kiss on you and then just walked off.  That's be kind of gross, right?  And just strange.

I've never had that happen, but one time I was at a concert in a crowded club just trying to watch the show. This presumably drunk girl was in front of me dancing when without warning she kind of backed up into me, grabbed my hand, put it around her tummy and held it there so I was like holding her from behind.  And then she started booty grinding against me.  I'm pretty sure she never actually looked back at me throughout this entire operation.  I ended up awkwardly holding her for a few minutes until she released my hand, whereupon I let her go and just kind of resumed watching the show.

The whole thing was just weird and awkward.  She either was hitting on me in a very forward way, thought I was somebody else like her boyfriend and mistakenly grinded on me, or was perfectly cool doing that with a complete stranger.  All of which was kind of odd.  I guess if I'd been another kind of guy I would have just said "Cool!" and started grinding back, but that's not really my style and I can't say I found her particularly attractive anyway.  I guess what I'm getting at here is it's good to at least talk a little bit and have some sort of interaction before anything remotely of a sexual nature occurs.      

Would you like some change with that?

Change is inevitable.  We all know this.  Sometimes it's for the better, sometimes not so much.  I've been aware on some level that change happens at least since I was a kid and graduated from Kindergarten to first grade and got a new teacher.  One thing that's kind of weird though that I've noticed as I've gotten older is a sense of detachment from the past.

I don't know if this is just me or if it happens to everyone, but I can remember things that happened in high school or college but it's almost as if those things happened to a completely different person.  I mean, in some sense, I am a different person than that guy was, but it was still me.  When I was actually in college I'm pretty sure I felt like high school guy was still me.  But now I feel like high school guy and college guy were somebody else.  I'm not sure if I'm doing a good job of explaining this.

Basically I remember being those guys.  I know intellectually that those things happened to me.  But they don't feel like ME anymore.  It almost feels like those memories don't even belong to me, I just happen to have some random people's memories.  

So clearly this is because either aliens or the government have implanted me with false memories.  There can be no other possible explanation.  Never mind that as you get older your circumstances and priorities change to such an extent that maybe it's normal to not feel like the same person you used to be.  No, there's definitely some sort of conspiracy at work here.

Furry Jerks

I love animals.  I'll take 99% of the cats or dogs I've ever met over 99% of the people I've ever met.  I can watch movies where violence is perpetrated against people non-stop and not even blink an eye.  Even little kids.  Kill the little buggers, I don't care.  But when an animal is harmed it pisses me off.

That said, there are certain individual animals out there that are jerks.  I had a friend when I was a kid that had a cat that was the unfriendliest critter you could ever meet.  It seemed to particularly not like me for some reason.  If I came even remotely near it, it would hiss and growl at me. One time my friend's family was out of town and I was coming over to feed the cat.  As soon as I opened the door it ran up and bit my ankle hard enough to draw blood and then ran off to growl at me from a corner.  I'm sorry but that cat was just kind of a dick.

I had another friend when I was older that had a dog that wasn't so much of a jerk as he was just really, really annoying.  He was pretty big and extremely hyper and would not leave you alone when you came over.  And by that I mean he would jump all over you, constantly flail his paws in your face and try to bite you for like four hours straight.  His owner would impotently tell him "No!" or "Down!" all of which this dog completely ignored.  It was impossible to relax over there because wrestling a big hyper dog for several hours is exhausting.  It got to the point where I never wanted to go over to this friend's house because of the dog.  Yeah, I know he was young and needed training, but I just wasn't very fond of that particular dog.

What I'm getting at is, even as an animal lover, it's okay to not like an individual animal on a personal level.  Some of them are kind of assholes.  In much lower numbers than people are, for sure, but still.