Danger? Why, that's my middle name!

They say explaining a joke makes it not funny.

And now I'm going to attempt to analyze humor.  That's a pretty broad subject, but I'm kind of interested in the limits of humor.  Should there be any?  Well, it's all subjective and different things are funny in different contexts, but overall I'd say no, there shouldn't.  There are a lot of horrible things in the world like diseases and natural disasters and domestic violence and incest and murder and rape and racism and physical and mental impairments and so on and so forth.  But somehow joking about these things robs them of their power in some small fashion.

But exercise a little bit of discretion, for crying out loud.  "Wrong" humor can be funny but don't harp on the same thing all the time.  If you're always going on about your lord and savior, people are going to think you're a Jesus freak.  If you never shut up about your political beliefs, people are going to think you're an extremist.  And if you're constantly telling racist jokes, people are going to think you're a racist.  And probably rightfully so.  Spread it out a little, man.  Oddly enough, the more different targets you offend, the more acceptable it is to be offensive.

On some level "safe" humor gets boring.  The best humor involves crossing boundaries and an element of danger.  In some cases, literally.  Hell, let's take a look at some old classics and you can see this is true.

Why did the chicken cross the road?  To get to the other side.  She's crossing a boundary, in this case the road.  There's certainly an element of danger because the chicken could be crushed by a speeding car at any moment.  Also, little known fact, the chicken was a white supremacist.

Then, of course, take a look at the old knock knock joke.  There are many varieties on this one but they all boil down to the same premise.  There is a physical boundary in the form of the door.  And there is most definitely an element of danger.  Who is this mysterious knocker?  And is he really more likely to be an interrupting cow or some maniac coming to rape and murder you?

Think about it.

Beauty: Is it really just skin deep?

I've come to wonder if physically beautiful people have better looking internal organs than the average joe.  Does Brad Pitt have an exceptionally attractive spleen?  Is Halle Berry rocking a super sexy pancreas?  Does Angelina Jolie's large intestine put yours to shame?  Why doesn't the paparazzi tell us what we really want to know?

The Corruption Runs Deep

They say absolute power corrupts absolutely.  The obvious implication here is that God, being all-powerful, is as corrupt as it gets.  This would go a long way towards explaining why the universe is so messed up.  Ever wonder why stars sometimes go supernova?  Some rival solar system is giving God a payoff to take out their enemies.

But I want to talk about another sketchy operation:  Santa Claus.  This guy's super powerful, too.  He knows when you're asleep or awake and he knows if you've been bad or good.  He also has the ability to visit every house in the world in a single night.  That takes some major power.  And also major corruption.

Look, we all know the dude's susceptible to bribery via milk and cookies.  He's also the world's major exploiter of both reindeer and elves, and not just from forcing them to work insane hours pulling sleighs on Christmas or making toys at less than poverty level wages.  Where do you think he's getting all that coal from that he's putting in the stockings of bad kids?  Santa's not mining it himself.  And have you ever wondered why he's based out of the North Pole?  Clearly for tax evasion purposes.  He's also got some weird deal going on with the shopping malls where he shows up for a few hours, lets kids sit on his lap, and then takes a cut of the profits.  If I tried to show up at the mall and have strange kids sit on my lap I'd get arrested.  Just saying.

And don't even get me started on the Tooth Fairy.  That bitch is cold.

First Impressions

You only get one chance to make a first impression... unless you're hitting on a blind girl.

Say you're at a bar trying to win the favor of the non-sighted object of your affection.  So you're dusting off the old sure-fire pickup lines, but for some weird reason they don't seem to be working.  The good news is you can walk away, come back a few minutes later, talk in a different voice, and try again.  You could raise or lower the pitch or try a different accent.  If you're really good at doing voices you might have a whole lot of chances to make the perfect first impression.

What's that?  Not so fast, you say?  Blind people are really good at "seeing" people by using their sense of touch?  She'll just feel you're face and know it's you, you big jerk.  Fortunately you can prepare for this eventuality.  Grow out a full beard before you go hit on the blind girl.  Then, after you get shot down in flames, go into the bathroom and shave it off completely.  When she feels your face the second time she'll think you're someone else!  Okay, so you got rejected again.  This is where having a good wingman comes into play.  You get a friend to stand silently behind you while you're speaking in, say, an Irish accent .  Then when the time comes for the big "let me see what you look like" moment he steps in and takes the face-feel for you.  Still no dice?  That wino outside looked like he'd let someone feel his face if you buy him a drink.  Eventually something's got to work, right?

I love how you're already planning on striking out with this hypothetical blind girl.  Maybe deaf chicks are more your speed?